On Consolation: Notes on Our Search for Meaning and the Antidote to Resignation
By Maria Popova
The thing about life is that it happens, that we can never unhappen it. Even forgiveness, for all its elemental power, can never bend the arrow of time, can only ever salve the hole it makes in the heart. Despair, which visits upon everyone fully alive, is simply the reflexive tremor of resignation in the face of life’s irremediable happening. “There is no love of life without despair of life,” Albert Camus wrote — a simple equation, the mathematics of which we spend our lives learning. Consolation is the abacus on which we learn it — this small and mighty act of resistance to resignation, this tender reach for meaning when the impartial hand of chance snatches from us what we hold dear.
Two decades ago, when I first began writing what would become The Marginalian, it was purely a reach for consolation. (In some fundamental ways, it still is.) Struggling materially and spiritually to make a new life in a new country, barely out of my teens and haunted by a childhood far from felicitous, I found myself longing for assurance from those who have lived through despair before — all the millennia of them who loved and lost and sang and sorrowed, this common record of resilience, this immense open palm of grace against the unfeeling fist of reality.
This too is what Michael Ignatieff seeks in On Consolation: Finding Solace in Dark Times (public library) — his search for that eternal lifeline of assurance across two millennia of lives, from those who wrote overtly about the problem of being alive to those who tried to solve it with their living and their art, from Montaigne and Camus to Gustav Mahler and Anna Akhmatova.
Often, we understand what something is by touching its limits. Visiting an old friend who had recently lost his wife, Ignatieff finds him “truly inconsolable,” his grief so immense and ineffable that the language between them trails off into silence, his friend’s pain “a deep solitude that cannot be shared.” He reflects:
To understand consolation, it is necessary to begin with the moments when it is impossible.
And yet something in us — some restive reflex of survival, some stubborn uprising of the soul — presses forth, insisting on the possibility, the imperative of living. Defining consolation as “an argument about why life is the way it is and why we must keep going,” Ignatieff writes:
Console. It’s from the Latin consolor, to find solace together. Consolation is what we do, or try to do, when we share each other’s suffering or seek to bear our own. What we are searching for is how to go on, how to keep going, how to recover the belief that life is worth living.
For millennia, that belief was the domain of religion, with its promises of salvation in another world to recompense our suffering in this one. But because belief, unlike truth, is not something for which the test of reality can provide binary verification or falsification, there are many true paths to the same belief. To find consolation “we do not have to believe in God,” Ignatieff writes, “but we do need faith in human beings and the chain of meanings we have inherited.” Tracing that chain from the Roman Stoics (“who promised that life would hurt less if we could learn how to renounce the vanity of human wishes”) to Montaigne and Hume (“who questioned whether we could ever discern any grand meaning for our suffering”) to us, he contrasts the consolations of philosophy with those of religion to offer a foothold amid the quicksand of despair:
These thinkers also gave voice to a passionate belief that religious faith had missed the most crucial source of consolation of all. The meaning of life was not to be found in the promise of paradise, nor in the mastery of the appetites, but in living to the full every day. To be consoled, simply, was to hold on to one’s love of life as it is, here and now.
Paradoxically, the central challenge of consolation is how to inhabit the here and now without being petrified in a perpetual present. There is a great loneliness to our private suffering and it is largely a loneliness in time, for suffering makes of us castaways on an island of now, so barren and inhospitable that we cease being able to see the horizon of then. This is why when it feels impossible to look forward, it is salutary to look back — to the pasts of whose possible future the present is the living proof, to the people who too felt their suffering was unsurvivable and yet went on living anyway. Ignatieff writes:
To see ourselves in the light of history is to restore our connection to the consolations of our ancestors and to discover our kinship with their experience… Consolation is an act of solidarity in space — keeping company with the bereaved, helping a friend through a difficult moment; but it is also an act of solidarity in time — reaching back to the dead and drawing meaning from the words they left behind… These works help us find words for what is wordless, for experiences of isolation that imprison us in silence.
Because consolation is the antipode of resignation, which is a species of cynicism about possibility, and because hope is the antipode of cynicism, consolation and hope are inseparable:
The essential element of consolation is hope: the belief that we can recover from loss, defeat, and disappointment, and that the time that remains to us, however short, offers us possibilities to start again, failing perhaps, but as Beckett said, failing better. It is this hope that allows us, even in the face of tragedy, to remain unbowed.
[…]
There are some losses that are irremediable; some experiences from which we cannot fully recover; some scars that heal but do not fade. The challenge of consolation in our times is to endure tragedy, even when we cannot find a meaning for it, and to continue living in hope.
And yet, Ignatieff concludes, however much assurance we may find in those who lived before us, in the end — as we all eventually discover — “each one of us must create for ourselves the purpose and hope to sustain us.” He charts this creative act of the spirit:
Consolation is both a conscious process by which we seek meaning for our losses and at the same time a deeply unconscious undertaking, in the recesses of our souls, in which we recover hope. It is the most arduous but also the most rewarding work we do, and we cannot escape it. We cannot live in hope without reckoning with death, or with loss and failure.
[…]
In the stages of recovery that follow, you begin with self-pity, until it dawns on you that there are many worse things in life. In the next stage, you tell yourself that you gave it your best, though it remains painful to admit that your best wasn’t nearly good enough. Then you try to let it all go, only to discover that there isn’t a day when you don’t wish you had been less naive and self-deceiving. But at the end of this journey, you finally understand… that you have to take ownership of the entire person you once were, take some pride in what you tried to do, and take responsibility only for those portions of your failure that were yours alone. In this slow, circuitous, barely conscious way, you come to be consoled.
Consolation, of course, is never permanent, always needs to be reinforced and reimagined if it is to keep sustaining and centering us, for in each of us there is a pendulum that keeps swinging between hope and despair. The deepest consolation is found when we cease identifying with the pendulum and remember that we are time itself, in the hands of which no state is permanent and no feeling final.
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